You Can't Go back
by DSISandraPullman39
Summary: Logically she knew he was right a place was just a place and it help no mystical significance, no power over them and their happiness yet as sleep finally claimed her she could still feel that seed of doubt planting itself firmly in her head ready to grow into a fully-fledged tree of concern at a moment's notice.
1. Chapter 1

**You can't go back**

**Disclaimer:-** Don't own them just borrowing!

**Episode:- **None

**Pairing:- **James/Jean

**Rating:- **M

**Achieve:- ** **http(:/) . /group/rebeccafrontlewisffarchive/**

**Summary:- **Logically she knew he was right a place was just a place and it help no mystical significance, no power over them and their happiness yet as sleep finally claimed her she could still feel that seed of doubt planting itself firmly in her head ready to grow into a fully-fledged tree of concern at a moment's notice.

**Author's Note:- **In answer to the reunion challenge. To write a story where the lead characters meet up again in 2023 enjoy and reviews would be lovely.

Jean Hathaway looked in the mirror on her dressing table pulling a brush through her hair the small on the corner of the table making her smile again just as it had when James opened it that morning. After a decade their best friends were finally taking the plunge and to do it meant they were all taking a step back to their past, back to where it all began not just between Robbie and Laura but between her and James too. That was the one fly in the ointment as far as she was concerned but it was a small fly and she could live with it, at least she hoped she could.

"Robbie says to tell you hello and he's looking forward to seeing you, seeing us." James smiled snapping her from her contemplation as he stood behind her letting his hands rest on her shoulders and kissing his way down here neck. "he says they're only getting married because Laura says it's the only way to get the four of us together in the same room again."

"Well then why didn't they just get married in Newcastle what's with dragging us all back to Oxford?" She sighed finally prepared to discuss her concerns now that the day was over and they were heading to bed. When their relationship had started after James's resignation they'd quickly decided that for it to work and for them to be able to have the life they wanted to would mean saying goodbye to Oxford. At the time she'd found the decision remarkably easy, she'd put in for a transfer to the MET in London and James had got a job he loved and was still doing helping kids from troubled backgrounds find jobs and homes and turn their lives around. They'd left Oxford almost ten years to the day of the date of the wedding date their friends had picked and she hadn't set foot in the city since. With Chris working for the Cambridgeshire police force and the idea of going back to where some of the worst days of her life had taken place toward the end of her marriage there hadn't seemed like any point. She had James, they'd married a year after the night they'd been celebrating Robbie's retirement and his leaving and she'd realised she had to tell him how she felt only to discover that he felt the same way, and a home and job she loved and she didn't believe in looking back. Until that day she'd always assumed that Robbie and Laura felt the same.

Not long after she and James moved they'd announced that Laura had got a job at Queen Mary's teaching hospital in Newcastle and they were returning to Robbie's roots. With both his son and daughter and grandson living up there it had seemed perfect. So for the better part of a decade both couples had been living ridiculously happy, settled lives keeping in regular contact by phone, text and email and getting together now and they for a proper catch up. Those catch ups though had always been in Newcastle or London and once a few years back they'd spent Christmas and New Year's together in the highlands of Scotland. Never once in all those years had the idea of going back to Oxford ben broached and she's been perfectly happy with that. Now she couldn't understand what had changed and why they wanted to drag them back there. It wasn't as if it wasn't going to be a huge wedding she and James were to be witnesses just like Laura and Robbie had been for them and the only other guest were Robbie's kids and his grandson.

"Robbie says they thought it might be nice to all go back to where it all began and the reception place or where we're going for the meal or whatever is somewhere Laura really loved. I did say would it not be easier to just have it up there but he said Laura was making the arrangements and she has her heart set on Oxford." James explained pulling her into his arms as they got into bed and she rested her head on his chest. He knew she was dreading the idea of going back she could feel it in the way he held her but then she'd never had to tell him things, he's always known what she was thinking sometimes even before she knew herself.

"I'm not sure I can do it James, I mean I will of course I will but I don't know how I'll cope with going back after all this time. Since we got in the car and drove away from there everything has been perfect what if just going back there makes it all…I don't know fall apart or something."

"Honey you don't believe the fact we're so happy had anything to do with not having gone back there any more than I do. We're happy because we're together, because we both have jobs we love and a home we've built together. Leaving Oxford when we did was exactly the right thing to do it always will have been the right thing to do but going back there for a couple of nights won't change what we have nor how happy we are. You know that it's just the thought of it that's freaked you out you've had a long week at work the case your guys have had to deal with had been getting to you and you're tired. It'll all seem better in the morning and it's the weekend so we cab spend some quality time together starting with a long lie in."

"You're right, I know you're right and I love you."

"As much as you loved me 10 years ago?"

"Even more than I did then." She smiled as he reached over her turning off the bedside lamp before wrapping his arms around her again as she tried to put the doubts out of her mind and focus on what he'd said. Logically she knew he was right a place was just a place and it help no mystical significance, no power over them and their happiness yet as sleep finally claimed her she could still feel that seed of doubt planting itself firmly in her head ready to grow into a fully-fledged tree of concern at a moment's notice.


	2. Chapter 2

**** For authors notes, disclaimer etc. see chapter 1**

**You can't go back 2/?**

"Was that James?" Laura asked as Robbie came into their small sitting room stepping over the pile of assignments she was marking from her first year med students.

"Yeah they got their invite this morning and he says Jean is delighted that you're finally going to make an honest man of me." Robbie replied flicking through the TV channels as he spoke finally finding the football replay he was looking for before lowering the volume a little. "He was surprised we were going back to Oxford to do it though and he didn't say it but I don't think Jean is too thrilled about spending any time there. You know they haven't been back since they left there almost ten years ago are you sure it's a good idea pet? I mean we could find somewhere just as nice up here."

"We need to go back, all of us but Jean in particular Robbie." Laura sighed setting aside the last paper glad to finally have finished. It still amazed her that in 2023 the medical school hadn't put first year work on the computer system. Every other assignment she marked was done online but the ancient head of Medicine insisted that in their first year students should do things the old fashioned way which meant a pile of paper marking for her and the other professors.

"I still don't see what I mean she's happy, she and James have a great life, they've been married almost ten years and still act like newlyweds at times. Is it so hard to understand that she doesn't want to go back to where her waste of space ex lives and where she went through all the shit her put her through? Personally I don't think it's unreasonable." Robbie continued putting his arm around her as she joined him on the sofa the slightly frustrated sigh she gave making him wonder if it was really worth going over it all again. When she'd first said she wanted to get married back where they met he'd thought she was trying to be romantic and even then he hadn't been completely behind it. Now that he knew the real reason was to make it some sort of covert therapy trip for their friend he was definitely not sure it was a good idea. Ten years had passed and a lot might have changed for all of them all but one thing that he knew hadn't changed was that Jean did now appreciate anyone, even them, interfering in her life and id she found out Laura's realy reason for making them all go there'd be hell to pay.

"Robbie honey you weren't there last month when I met her for lunch when I was in London for the forensic conference."

"You can't tell me she wants to bump into that bastard in the street she…"

"No! That's my point she's terrified that she might. When I was there Chris has just told her that Richard was in London for the weekend for some lecture series at the London Business School and she was really nervous about him deciding to look her up or even just bumping into him." Laura explained the memory of how her friend had changed in a split second at the mere thought of coming face to face with her ex making her shiver again.

"Why? I don't understand he can't hurt her now James would kill him before he'd let that happen she doesn't need to worry about him he's the past."

"I know that and logically so does she but it's instinctive Rob she spent years stuck in a marriage that made her unhappy and she still feels like she somehow condoned his affairs and the way he treated her by not doing anything about it."

"That's just bullshit." Robbie snapped shaking his head at the insanity of it all. Richard Innocent has done a good job of screwing up his friend's life for years and he through that was all behind her. Now that he was hearing that she still worried about him on occasions was astonishing to him.

"Exactly that's what I told her but she told me that she felt like she was safe in London and that's when I realised she's scared to go back to Oxford. She's convinced herself that by just going back to the city everything she has now that makes her happy will be taken away." Laura sighed seeing recognition register in Robbie's eyes.

"So you think if she has a good enough reason to go back and face her demons there she'll realize that she's happy because she deserves to be not because of where she lives?"

"Exactly!" Laura smiled pleased that he finally seemed to have realized what she had planned and seemed to be getting on board with it even if she did still appear to be a little sceptical. "What do you think?"

"I think you need to stop hanging around with the psychology professors in the university canteen."

"Ha, ha you're hilarious but you've got to admit if we can help we should she doesn't need to hold on to that dear she needs to let it go and realise she is so much better than what he made her think she was."

"Ok well if you're sure you know what you're going we'll run with it I just hope you're right." Robbie sighed turning his attention back to the television as she reached for her book from the end table with a satisfied smile, He really, really hoped she was right about what she was saying because much as he was looking forward to marrying her he didn't want their special day to be the cause of a whole new distress for one of their closest friends and he couldn't help but worry that that was what was going to happen.


	3. Chapter 3

**** For authors notes, disclaimer etc. see chapter 1**

**You can't go back 3/?**

"What time are you meeting Laura?" James asked stretching lazily as Jean came out of their en-suite bathroom wrapping only in fluffy powder blue towel. He knew it was important that she meet Laura for the first round of wedding dress shopping but normally Saturday was their day and the fact that she was out of bed and he was still in it at 9am was just not fair.

"Not until one, she was leaving this morning first thing to get the train down. Can you make sure there are clean towels in the guest room en-suite and take the teaks out of the freezer for dinner?" Jean replied shaking her head as she watched him pull the duvet up around his neck and snuggling against the pillow. "If you ever get out of bed that is!"

"Hey it's Saturday you're supposed to be here with me, why are you up so early anyway it's a ten minute tube ride for you to get to Oxford Street you could easily have stayed here with me for a least another hour."

"I couldn't sleep and you looked far too peaceful to wake."

"Jean you're not still panicking about going back to Oxford are you? I thought we'd talked about it and you were ok."

"No…..well yeah but don't worry about it I know how irrational it is I'll find a way to deal with it I just haven't found it yet." Jean sighed sitting at her dressing table and switching on the hair drier trying to ignore the puzzled look James was giving her in the mirror. It had been two weeks since the invitation to the wedding had arrived and he'd insisted that her fears about returning to oxford were baseless. Since then she'd tried to focus on what he'd said, she even managed to put her concerns to one side for the two weeks but when Laura had called that week to ask if they could go shopping and she could stay over to discuss wedding plans it had all come back in earnest.

"Jean come here." James said quietly when she'd finally finished drying her hair and stood up still wrapped in the towel,

"You're not going to try to distract me and ruin my hair are you?" Jean smiled as she sat beside him on the bed raising a questioning eyebrow at him as he ran his fingers down her arm.

"Probably but I want to talk to you first and I want you to hear me this time ok?" He smiled looking into her eyes as she nodded. "Do you remember when we first got together?"

"Of course I do how could I forget the night my life changed forever? Don't you see that's my point though? We left there and left everything that had been lonely and unhappy in my life behind what if…."

"Let me speak then if you still want to argue your case we will but listen first. Do you remember the years before that? The years we spent falling in love? The years we spent wishing we knew if the other felt the same or ever could?"

"Yes that's exactly what…"

"Ssh," James smiled placing his finger gently on her lips. "The point I'm making is that if I'd never come to Oxford and neither had you we'd never have met and frustrating as those years were, as hard as they were I'd not give them up for anything. I know they were harder for you, I know how much Richard hurt you and how guilty you felt when you first fell in love with me in spite of his betrayal, I get it and I can understand you wanting to put that behind us. I want it too but we've done it already. Oxford is a place baby, a place that was our home for a long time and going back there for me is about remembering how lucky I am that I met you."

"You really think that going back is just returning to a place? What if we bump in to Richard or some of the people we used to know who did and still would judge us? People who judge me for having fallen in love with you and think you are insane to have lumbered yourself with a woman 15 years older than you who can't give you the live you friends have with children and a family life?" Jean asked trying to keep the emotion out of her voice and put her argument forward as concisely as he had but finding it impossible.

"Hey don't you dare think that I care for a second what anyone thinks about us. I love you, I love what we have and as for Richard he can go straight to hell as far as I'm concerned. Let him see just how happy we are, let him see what he threw away because if he hadn't then I would still be alone comparing every woman I met with you and never settling with anyone. I have everything I need right here and anyone who doesn't like that can join you ex in hell." James replied finally pulling her into his arms and following through with his promise to distract her.

"James!" Jean laughed already knowing she was going to give in and let him waste as much of the time between then and when she had to meet Laura as he wanted but feeling she should at least pretend to object.

"I'm still putting forward my argument. Do you remember the first time I kissed you?"

"Yes standing on my doorstep after yours and Robbie's party. I felt like I'd never been kissed before when your lips touched mine it was amazing."

"That happened in Oxford," He smiled kissing her again as he loosened the towel and dropped it off the end of the bed and slipping out from under the duvet hovering over her. "And do you remember how we made love that night? How it seemed like the rest of the world had stopped?"

"Un huh." Jean smiled her bottom lip slipping between her teeth as she watched him bury his head in her breasts his hands claiming one each teasing them with gentle strokes and covering them in soft wet kisses.

"Well that happened in Oxford too and it was amazing all the times it happened after that both before and after we left." James continued letting his fingers trace her thigh bringing them to rest over her hip as she nodded again.

"Remind me." She whispered running her hands down his back as he slowly thrust into her his eyes never leaving hers as he did. When they made love he made her feel like it was exactly like that fist time every time. He made her feel desired and loved in a way she'd never believed was possible after a decade of marriage.

"You know I still want you so much it leaves me breathless with desire just as much as wen I thought you'd never be mine, I still love you a little more every day and nothing and no one can change that." James said quietly as he made love to her with slow deep thrusts watching her pleasure build in the darkening of her eyes and the gentle flush to her skin. "I love you Jean Hathaway and I always will whether we're in London or Oxford or on the moon that's never going to change."

"I love you too." Jean gasped her words trailing off in a chorus of pleasure filled gasps as her body was rocked by her climax leaving her breathless as with a few final deep thrusts he stilled inside her riding out his own pleasure as she held him close drinking in the feeling of completeness that being with him gave her.

"Oxford is a place, the people in it are just people who can think what they want about our relationship. None of that has any power over us or how happy we are ok?" James smiled after another hour of exhausted sleep left her with no option but to get ready to go meet Laura.

"I know and I promise I'll be fine." Jean replied leaning over the bed and kissing him a final time before heading for the door of the bedroom. Every sane, logical bone in her body was telling her he was right and when they were together she believed every word. What she wasn't so sure about however was if she could sustain that belief when the spectre of their past raised its head when she was alone, There were moments when she was tortured by a raft of "what ifs" and she didn't think they would be so easy to quash, Closing the front door of their house and starting the short walk to the tube station though she promised herself she was going to try starting with enjoying her and Laura's shopping trip.


	4. Chapter 4

**** For authors notes, disclaimer etc. see chapter 1**

**You can't go back 4/?**

Sitting on the tube train watching the litany of posters, flyers and graffiti fly by on her way to meet Laura Jean tried to focus on what James had said. When she'd told him he was right she'd mean it, she knew he was, it didn't change the fact that now that she was away from him, and alone with her thoughts and same daemons were back. She'd made a point of keeping things vague when discussing her concerns with him, she'd only talked in general about the place, the people, the past but when she was alone she knew there was one thing terrifying her and one thing alone.

When she'd walked away from Oxford ten years before she'd been turning her back on all the things she mentioned to him but really she'd been running away too. 25 years with one man, one man who had infected every aspect of her life and slowly poisoned it, had left her wary of letting his shadow fall on her again. She knew James loved her, that he would kill Richard before he'd let him hurt her again. She knew if she sat him down and said she was terrified that that old poison might still have the power to destroy her happiness, he'd find it ridiculous. He'd tell her she was being silly, that nothing could change the way he felt about her, and once again he'd convince her for a moment that he was right. As she stepped off the train and mounted the steps to meet Laura in Oxford Street she couldn't shift the lead weight of concern that seemed to lie heavy and consistently in the pit of her stomach.

"Jean! Jean! Over here!" Laura called as through the throng of commuters and shoppers coming out of the tube station she saw her friend. Watching as Jean walked toward her a broad smile on her face that didn't quite reach her eyes she felt her determination in her plans for the day grown. In truth she knew they still had plenty of time to shop for wedding dresses. It wasn't like she was a 21 year old looking for something right out of "Big fat gypsy weddings" but when she'd spoken to Jean the week before she'd immediately picked up on the residual nervousness in her friend's excitement and decided it was time they talked about it.

"Hi have you been waiting long? I swear sometimes the tube from our place to her gets slower every time we use it." Jean smiled hugging Laura tightly as she spoke.

"No I've only been here five minutes, Robbie decided to come along I hope that's ok he has gone straight to your place."

"Of course it's ok James will be pleased to see him." Jean replied making a mental note to text James and tell him to lift out an extra steak for dinner.

"Well he's going to drag him out to the pub to watch the football and have a drink so I think we should follow suit and go for a glass of wine before we start shopping."

"Sounds good if James has made it out of bed that is I swear he was having extreme trouble getting himself motivated to get up at all this morning."

"Yeah well I bet it was easier for him once he knew you ha left and weren't going to get back in beside him."

"Laura Hobson you have a one track mind at times!" Jean laughed feeling herself blush slightly as her friend's eyes narrowed a little.

"And you have never been very good at looking righteously indignant when it comes to James. You clear had already gotten back into bed at least once!" Laura replied shaking her head and smiling broadly as they ordered a bottle of wine in the first bar they came to.

"So let's talk dresses." Jean said quietly once they were seated and the waitress had brought the wine and two glasses.

"Let's not, let's talk about why you are still getting in a flap about the idea of running into that dickhead you used to be married to." Laura replied watching as Jean stopped with her mouth open and her glass half was to it. "Don't look at me like that Jean Hathaway I've known you for over 20 years and I think other than James I probably know you better than anyone. You might be able to fool a lot of people with the façade that you can up but I'll bet you aren't fooling him and you sure as hell aren't fooling me.

"I don't know. I know all the logical common sense reasons why I'm being irrational. I keep letting James go through it all and when he does for a while I can see he's right but then the feeling is back in the pit of my stomach and I'm terrified that going back there will mean he'll somehow poison everything James and I have built over the last decade." Jean sighed, she knew she could probably have brushed Laura off with an ardent denial of what she'd said but it would have been a temporary reprieve and her friend wouldn't have let it drop. She was right, over the years they'd become close and nothing she ever tried to hide from Laura stayed hidden for long. They had a 6th sense where each was concerned, she'd lost count of the number of times she'd spontaneously decided to call Laura or send her an email only to fins there was a good reason her friend needed her and it was the same the other way around.

"Look I have a confession to make, I was going to tell you on the phone last week but I thought it might be better if I waited until we were face to face." Laura replied pausing for a second to try to think of the best way to tell Jean why she'd insisted in having the wedding in Oxford. She'd not intended making the admission at all but after their earlier phone conversation she was really hoping that if she explained then Jean would see that it was for her own good to go back and that she was only insisting on it because she cared.

"Laura you're starting to worry me now, what have you done? You haven't decided to bring the whole thing forward and it's happening tomorrow or something have you?" Jean asked feeling the hairs on the back of her neck rise in panic then quickly settle again as Laura shook her head firmly.

"No, no of course not; just remember that I love you, we both do and we never want anything to threaten you happiness ok?"

"Spit it out Laura before I shake it out of you." She continued already knowing she wasn't going to like what she was going to hear just not sure yet exactly how bad it was going to be.


End file.
